Doctor / Food Joke

Has this kind of thing ever happened to you? I hope not:

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what''s wrong with me?!?"

The doctor replies, "You''re not eating properly."

Job Joke

This is what happens when a fool tries to get a job. (They don't get the job.)

An office exec was interviewing somebody for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about his personality.

"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."

Dot Flowers - Funeral Flowers

This is a sponsored post by Dot Flowers. Dot Flowers specializes in flowers for funerals, which is especially important when you need your flowers to be delivered on time and exactly as you ordered them. Dot Flowers works extra hard to help you through the tough times as they work with the funeral home for every order. Dot Flower's website can be found here: funeral flowers. Dot Flowers helps people in need take one less worry off their minds when they essentially do all the work for you and verify that a time, place, and name are all correct. Dot Flowers even sends out a courtesy call to the sender to let them know that everything is on schedule.

Joke: "Elementary, My Dear Watson"

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Primestyle.com - Quality Diamonds & Jewelry

This is a sponsored post by Primestyle.com. When you're looking to take home a diamond necklace or emerald ring, you'll often feel like you must take home the first thing that really appeals to you. Primestyle.com believes that this is something you should not do and that picking out the right jewelry requires thought. They believe that your personal style is reflected in the jewelry you wear and that you should be able to have a wide selection of diamonds and jewelry at low prices. Primestyle.com's website can be found here: certified loose diamonds. Customer testominals can also be found on the website, which ensures that you will never have to pay retail prices for diamonds and jewelry again.

Monex Deposit Company: Silver

This is a sponsored post by Monex Deposit Company. Monex Deposit Company allows anyone to purchase silver or other valuable and precious metals through speedy personal delivery. They also are able to arrange metals for storage at an independent bank or depository. Monex Deposit Company's website can be found here: silver. The company has been America's leading metal investment company and has been around for over thirty years. Monex Precious Metals knows that world demand for silver has increased in recent years and is committed to serving your valuable and precious investment needs. Monex prides itself on being the most convenient and practical market with good deals on the metals.

Joke: Driving on the Highway

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, "Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!"

Herman says, "I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!"

Funny Letter from Grandchild to Grandma

A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:

Dear Grandmother,

I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.

With love,
Mike

This letter is actually supposed to be a true story and not just a joke. Either way, I find it pretty funny.

Online Degrees - Capella University

This is a sponsored post by Capella University. Capella University has been around since 1993 and is an accredited online university with graduate degree programs in many different fields. The programs include business, information technology, education, human services, and psychology, and bachelor’s degree programs in business and information technology. Capella University's website can be found here: online degrees. Cappela has over seventy graduate and undergraduate specializations and currently has 16,000 students from all 50 states and 63 countries. It is a national leader in online education and is focused to provide high-caliber academic excellence and balanced business growth. For more information you can also call 1-888-CAPELLA (227-3552).

More Garfield Comics

More Garfield comics (click to enlarge):

Acorn Systems - Profit Analytics Software

This is a sponsored post by Acorn Systems. Acorn Systems is a profit improving company which provides provides continues enterprise-wide visibility into business performance. You may be asking youself, "How?" Well, Acorn System combines a unique and proven consulting methodology with a highly sustainable software platform so that they can provide superior profit improvement solutions. The Profit Improvement Company Acorn Systems, whose website can be found here: profit analytics software, enables companies to reach their objectives by provinding them with some good decision making. Organizations looking to understand and improve their profitability, supply chain efficiencies, cost allocation and cost reduction rely on Acorn Systems for accurate, dynamic cost/profit analytics and metrics that are easy to maintain and highly scalable to support the largest enterprises. Acorn delivers the Enterprise Profit System and next generation Activity Based Costing (ABC) solutions that provide the highest value at the lowest total cost of ownership. Their solutions enable you to confidently measure, optimize and predict costs, net operating profits, EVA, capacity and resources at any level of granularity. Their revolutionary software and unique methodology makes this elusive information readily available and easy to act on for ongoing cost reductions and profit improvements throughout your organization. Acorn Systems is focused on helping their customers improve profits and reduce costs. This is ALL they do. They stay focused so that they can quickly and dramatically improve their customers' profitability.

Garfield Comics

Click on them to make them larger:

Simmons, Jannace & Stagg

This is a sponsored post by Simmons, Jannace & Stagg. Simmons, Jannace & Stagg. After the horrible attacks that occurred on September 11, 2001, the September 11th Victims Compensation Fund was created for those who lost loved ones in the attack. The purpose of the Fund was to maximize compensation to victims' families. The federal court, after hearing argument, issued an order and agreed that the Victims Compensation Fund did not provide federal court jurisdiction. Contingency fees were disfavored and Simmons, Jannace & Stagg was asked by a widow of a man who died in the attacks to represent her in connection with a lawsuit filed in federal court by the attorney who represented her before the Victims Compensation Fund. Simmons, Jannace & Stagg tried to dismiss the federal action, believing that the Fund didn't provide federal jurisdiction for an action by an attorney seeking to get his fee. The court agreed with Simmons, Jannace & Stagg’s argument and later stayed the attorney’s action, but retained jurisdiction for the purpose of any renewed applications after the conclusion of the Surrogate’s Court case. As far as Simmons, Jannace & Stagg is aware, whose website can be found at simmons jannace & stagg, this is the first federal court decision holding that attorneys’ fee disputes arising out of the September 11th Victims Compensation Fund should be litigated in the state courts.

More Funny George Carlin Quotes

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Toprol - Epocrates

Epocrates is a new online service for healthcare professionals. Clinicians and staff now have access to the trusted online version of the drug and formulary guide, which is used be over half a million healthcare professionals. Epocrates Online has information on over 3,300 drugs which can be found at the click of a button here at Toprol. With Epocrates, clinicians are able to focus on their patients rather than having to look at multiple websites for information. Clinicians who are looking for a more comprehensive web reference can subscribe to the Epocrates Online premium product. The premium version has additional content and features such as more than 400 alternative medicine monographs, patient education handouts, pill pictures, pill identifier and hundreds of medical tables and calculations. The innovative company Epocrates was recently ranked 257 in the 24th annual Inc.500 ranking of the fastest-growing private companies in the country.

Foxtrot Comics by Bill Amend

Foxtrot is a comic strip that separates itself from the rest with its constant pop culture references. Here's a few strips (click on them to enlarge them):

Funny George Carlin Quotes

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Funny Signs

Apparently these signs were actually used in places across the United States and the rest of the world. Here's what they say:

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Psychiatrist Joke

How do two psychiatrists greet each other?

"You are fine, how am I?"

Angry Man

A man was selling his brand-new luxury car for ten dollars. A woman answered the ad, but was skeptical. "Ten bucks?!? What's the catch?" she asked. "No catch," the man said. "My wife died, and in her will she asked that the car be sold and that all the money go to the mailman."

Robert Schmidt Quotes

Here are some funny quotes and one-liners by Robert Schmidt.

"I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass."

"My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year."

"I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger."

"I had amnesia once or twice."

"I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar."

"I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere."

Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright's got some great, funny one-liners. Here are a few of my favorites.

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading . . . And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."

"My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band.""

Comics by Gahan Wilson

Gahan Wilson is a comic writer who has been around for quite a while. He was influenced by the creator of the Addam's Family and his work often has some dry yet clever humor. Here are a few of his works:

Psychiatrist Joke

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

Walk By A Parrot Joke

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Jokes About Guitars

Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Weird Al Yankovic - White & Nerdy

White & Nerdy Music Video


This time Weird Al makes a parody of the song "Ridin'" by Chamillionaire and Krayzie Bone. Funny video and yet another clever song from Yankovic.

Funny Calls To Computer Support

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer--the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

Odd Florida Laws

• It is considered an offense to shower naked.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
• It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

Odd New York Laws

• The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
• Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.
• A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.
• While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.
• A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
• It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

New York City Laws
• Citizens may not greet each other by "putting one's thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers".
• Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.
• It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing."