Injured Pirate Joke

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg-leg?" asks the sailor. "I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate.

"A shark bit off me whole leg."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And the eye patch?" "A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously.

The pirate said, "It was the first day with the hook."

Mechanic and Doctor Joke

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a
look at his Mercedes.

Morris shouted across the garage,

"Hey DeBakey!

Is dat you?

"Come on ova' here a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.

Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively,

"So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten.

So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"

Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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Ice Cream-Related Knock Knock Jokes

Here's a few knock knock jokes that deal with ice cream. 2 out of the 3 jokes below use "ice cream" as it sounds like "I scream." The last one, however, uses it in a slightly different way... here they are:

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!


Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream soda!
Ice cream soda who?
ICE CREAM SODA PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME...

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream of Jeannie!

Morons Finish Jigsaw Puzzle

A group of morons walk into a bar. One of the morons tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The morons lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes morons, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

Monex Deposit Company - Silver

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The Clever Jail Prisoner Joke

Here's a funny little joke that involves a very clever prisoner in jail:
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men with shovels came to the house, and dug up all of the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

The College Grad's Starting Salary Joke

Here's a good joke that relates to the starting salary of a college graduate:

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

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Three Parrots Joke

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.

The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

"That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked.

The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

Serious, Clever Hearing Joke

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased.”

To which the elderly man said, “Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!”

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Three Fathers Joke

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

A Cop, A Juggler, And A Drunk Joke

A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."

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Lawyer Joke

Once again, don't take this joke too seriously. I just like the situation that occurs in it.

A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.

"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Knock Knock Jokes

Knock knock jokes are great because almost everybody knows the set up but nobody knows what to expect, since there's just so many of them out there. Here's a few of my favorites:

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Moo.

Moo who?

Well, make up your mind. Are you a cow or an owl?!!

---

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Dot.

Dot who?

Dots for me to know and you to find out!

---

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Gorilla.

Gorilla who?

Gorilla me a hamburger, I'm hungry!

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Halloween Jokes

Halloween just passed by about a week ago. Let's take a look back at some short and silly Halloween jokes.

10. How can you tell vampires like BASEBALL?
They turn into BATS every night!
9. What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
I'll have a beer and a MOP!
8. What do witches put on their hair?
SCARE spray!
7. What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A real PAIN in the neck!
6. Why aren’t ghosts arrested?
It's hard to PIN anything on them!
5. Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no BODY to dance with!
4. Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have BAT breath!
3. Why did the Game Warden arrest the ghost?
He didn't have a HAUNTING license!
2. What did the cannibal eat at the
"All You Can Eat" buffet?
Two waitresses and a busboy!
1. Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so WRAPPED up in themselves!

How To Be Annoying

I don't know why anyone would want to be annoying, but following the things on the list will probably make you annoying!

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme constantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 1-800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.

* Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Set alarms for random times.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

I HOPE YOU LIKED THAT LIST AS MUCH AS I DID.

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What kind of problem are you having with your printer? Joke

One can only wonder if the joke below is real or not...

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Foolish Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

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What setting do I use on the washing machine? Joke

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

Here's another example of a joke in which the main character in the joke can really be replaced with whoever you see fit. "Husband" can easily be replaced by "dunce" or "moron" and then nobody is really stereotyped. I still think it's a rather funny joke, if I do say so myself. I wonder if something like this has ever actually happened before...

A Blonde Joke

I hope you don't take blonde jokes too seriously. The pronoun can always be replaced with whoever you see fit, really. I like to use "dunces" in these kinds of things over "blondes," just because it's not great to stereotype. Anyways, here it is:

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this amazing jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He takes a look at the puzzle pieces for a moment and begins to laugh hysterically!

He says to her, "No matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these puzzle pieces. Put these Frosted Flakes back in the box!!"

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Candy Joke

A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

Doctor Joke

This one's a classic joke which many of you have probably heard before, but I guess it's a classic for a reason: it still is rather humorous, don't you think?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: Go with the good news first.

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?

Doctor: Um... I forgot to tell you yesterday.

Also, I'm sure you've heard of the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke. It's not really funny and it's really more of a riddle than a joke. Why do some comedians use this line even though a) it's a really old riddle and b) it's not even a joke? You tell me.

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So a frog goes into a bank...

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

A Liar's Sermon

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

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